Titrate That
by marshtomp madness
Summary: Feliks gets Toris into trouble during chem class. Ivan is creepy. Ludwig and Feliciano are friends... or more? Diluted HCl is spilled... or thrown? But Berwald and Tino save the day.


AN: This is total crackfic. Which is why I really hope nobody is offended, okay? D: It's AU, and based on the characterizations from Hetalia.

-cries- I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT FELIKS AND FELICIANO WERE FRIENDS BEFORE I WROTE THIS! So sorry!

* * *

"Today, we will be doing titrations."

Their chem teacher, Mr. Wilhelm wrote the word on the whiteboard, and then turned around to stare at the class, clearly trying to convey the message that any snickering would be severely punished. That did not stop Feliks. "This requires the use of phenolphthalein-" He also wrote that on the board. "Say that with me, class-"

Feliks nudged his best friend Toris as the rest of the class chanted "phenolphthalein". Toris was, of course, dutifully reading through the lab procedure and ignored Feliks at first. Feliks nudged him more persistently as Wilhelm went on about acids and bases and brunettes, or something, while re-tying the ponytail that held most of his long blonde hair out of his face.

"I am busy," Toris murmured. "We're going to be using hydrochloric acid, do you even realize what that stuff is?"

"Uh," said Feliks. "No. But seriously, did you see? He wrote 'tit' on the board! And it's Mr. Wilhelm, which, like, just makes it even more funny."

"You are probably the only one who finds that funny," Toris said, sighing. "It's not. It's really im-"

"Mr. Laurinaitis!"

Toris flinched, and looked down.

"Yes, sir?"

"I have noticed that your labs with Mr. Łukasiewicz have been particularly... unsuccessful. Is it, perhaps, a result of paying too much attention to the conversations that you feel you must conduct in my class? Rest assured, I have no doubt they are incredibly important."

Feliks's jaw dropped. The whole class was staring at them by this point. He didn't care.

"That's, like, not Toris's fault at all! I- I was talking to him first- And that last time where we broke all the crucibles was so not even our fault, friggin' Ivan had to be all big-boned or whatever crap he calls it in our lab area and-" Feliks broke off, due to the chills running up and down his spine. Ivan sat behind him, and Feliks was definitely on the recieving end of psycho-killer intent. Argh. Sometimes he wished he didn't have such a big mouth, but seriously. Ivan should have watched out for the friggin' crucibles. It wasn't like they hadn't warned him. He just _had _to be all creepy psycho all over Toris.

"It's okay," said Toris, and Feliks really hated him right then because he was such a total head case and also willing to take the blame and the worst part was that he was totally and completely sincerely trying to not get Feliks in trouble, because he was a moron like that. "I shouldn't have responded."

"Either way," said Mr. Wilhelm, "I have thought that perhaps your work might fare better if you were able to fully focus on it. Both of you. So... Let's see. Ludwig Weillschmidt, Feliciano Vargas. You two have had some problems in the past, right?"

"Oh, no, but we're friends now!" Feliciano chirped. Ludwig sank onto his desk, and Feliks felt sorry for him. He sort of looked like he wanted to cry. Feliks would too if Feliciano followed him around all day. The guy was such a weirdo. Good artist, though, which Feliks could appreciate, being fairly talented himself.

Mr. Wilhelm looked irritated.

"Switch partners. Mr. Weillschmidt, go with Mr. Laurinaitis, and Mr. Vargas, work with Mr. Łukasiewicz. Is that clear?"

The four of them nodded. Feliks sighed. He'd gotten stuck with the dumb one. Well, fair enough. Toris was probably one of the most long-suffering souls he'd ever met, and Toris had taken the blame for him.

"Then I may continue with my explanation?"

He didn't wait for them to nod this time, only launched into an explanation of how only a few drops of phenolwhatever could be too much, and to only do a few drops at a time,_ or else_. When Mr. Wilhelm turned to the board again to erase the word titration, Feliks slipped a piece of paper onto Toris's desk.

_**Sorry.**_

Toris smiled and shook his head. _Couldn't wait?_ he scribbled on the side of his paper, pushing it slightly towards Feliks while seemingly paying deep attention to Mr. Wilhelm.

**_No._**

_Well, it's okay. I'm not mad._

Of course he wasn't. Feliks would think that Toris was setting him up for a guilt-trip if he didn't do this every time they got in trouble. Then again, maybe Toris was just saving it up for someday. It would be a really impressive guilt-trip.

"Go," said Mr. Wilhelm, waving at the labs. The students stood up, and began to mill around, moving in a general sort of way towards the lab area of the classroom. "And you four! I expect you to... perform much better than you have in the past."

Feliks's eyes widened, and he put his hand over his mouth, aiming for nonchalant-pensiveness. Clearly, he failed, because Toris kicked him under their desks.

"You are _such _a perv. Oh, no. I am totally catching the Perv. It's like the plague. But nastier."

Ludwig raised an eyebrow, and that was when they realized they were being watched. Feliciano bounced over to Feliks, like a puppy, or something.

"Let's go!" Feliks followed warily, but watched with concern as Ludwig approach Toris.

"Let's go," Ludwig said. They picked the labs adjacent to each other... and of course, wherever Toris was, Ivan was sure to be also, stalking them silently, so he was on their other side and Toris, like the self-sacrificing loser that he was, had placed himself in between Ivan and Ludwig so that Ludwig would not be inconvenienced. Really, Mr. Wilhelm didn't know what he was doing. Toris _needed _Feliks. Ludwig would not want to protect him, and even if Ivan was a freaking giant, Feliks wasn't afraid to take him on, if it was for Toris's sake!

Feliciano tugged at Feliks's sleeve. Feliks was definitely _not comfortable_ with that level of familiarity, and wondered how, if Feliciano and Ludwig were friends, Feliciano was still alive. Because seriously. He could not picture anyone pulling that on Ludwig and surviving.

"Let's get started?"

"We take this out, right? The... burr-et." Feliks sounded out the word carefully, and then he realized that Feliciano was giggling at something Ludwig had said. "Hey. You. Pay attention."

Feliciano nodded at him, not moving, even though Ludwig was half-heartedly pushing him towards Feliks.

Feliks sighed.

He turned back to his lab, realizing that he would have to do this alone. Geez. He set up the flask and poured in the concentration, and after about ten minutes of trying to figure out how to set it up, finally got something that looked like what Ludwig and Feliks had. He checked over by Berwald and Tino, and it looked like what they had, too.

He'd practically been abandoned- Toris kept shooting him looks of sympathy and making polite requests of Feliciano to help Feliks even as Ivan tried to grasp at Toris's hands and mercilessly invade the guy's personal space, but Feliciano was still fluttering around Ludwig and not even watching _their _experiment. And Ludwig, though he was working and seemingly trying to ignore Feliciano, was hardly paying attention to Toris. Even though Toris was obviously uncomfortable.

Feliks was okay with a lot of things, except until Toris got hurt.

Feliciano whispered something in Ludwig's ear, and Ludwig turned bright pink.

Okay.

Feliks was seriously going to lose his cool. Any second now.

There was a crashing noise across the lab. They all winced, but luckily his curiousity got the better of him and Feliks looked over to see a very, very angry Arthur and a very smug Alfred. And also a broken Erlensomething flask, with hydrochloric acid leaking out all over the place.

Feliks's frustration momentarily dissipated with his relief that he was not the one that Mr. Wilhelm was giving a Look for once. No, apparently Alfred had apparently driven Arthur to the point where Arthur had actually broken the flask. They were being given a stern lecture on emotion, and therefore, for the moment, Mr. Wilhelm was busy.

He decided to appeal to Ludwig, who, if a little bit cold, was definitely relatively sane.

"Hey, Ludwig, I need him back. Somebody has to like, record the calculations."

Ludwig nodded.

"Feliciano," he said in that unnaturally deep voice (they were only sophomores, for heaven's sake), "I believe your partner needs your help, while we do not."

"Okay! I'll help you, Feliks!"

And just like that, Feliciano turned back to Feliks, who mouthed _Thank you_ to Ludwig. Ludwig shrugged.

"Okay," said Feliks. "I need you to like, watch the solution." He didn't really mean to talk in a slow voice and use simple English. It just sort of happened whenever he was around Feliciano. "It's going to be light pink when we're done. But it's going to start off very light, and if I add too much, it's going to be very, very pink. So we have to be very- _Ivan, back the hell away from Toris right now._"

Ivan had wrapped an arm around Toris and was playing with his hair, which was most definitely not okay with Feliks, although understandable, because Toris had very nice soft-looking hair and- Feliks stopped that train of thought due to the eerie feeling he got whenever Ivan raised an eyebrow at him. Which was happening at the moment.

Mr. Wilhelm was still busy with Alfred and Arthur, and had failed to notice Ivan and Feliks's stare-down. Feliks knew a lucky opportunity when he had one, though maybe it was unlucky, because at least Mr. Wilhelm would tell Ivan to back off and Ivan might listen. But Feliks didn't mind stepping up to the plate. Somebody had to.

"I am totally serious," Feliks snapped. "If you do not let go-" He glanced at Mr. Wilhelm again, just to check that he was concentrating on keeping loose strands of his long hair out of the acid spill he was pouring white powder all over, and he was, so Feliks went on- "I will _rip your arms off_."

Well, _that _got the attention of everyone at the table, including Tino and Berwald, who looked very, very worried- or, at least, Tino did. Berwald looked normal, which in his case translated to scary, but Feliks sort of thought that the scary had a worried undertone. Maybe it was wishful thinking.

Ivan sighed and sized up Feliks, looking down at him. Looking very, very down. Feliks was dwarfed, and he and everyone looking on knew that there was no way he'd be able to rip Ivan's arms off. He swallowed. There was a very, very long pause as Feliks waited for Ivan to do something, possibly reach forward and rip Feliks's arms off. Feliciano clung to Ludwig, who looked on stoically for a moment, and then returned to their experiment.

But Feliks didn't care about them- Toris looked terrified. And Feliks still didn't know what to do.

Out of the corner of his eye, Feliks noticed Tino prodding at Berwald with the eraser end of a pink pencil (oh, hey, pink, what was going on with their experiment? Feliks didn't dare look. If he turned his head, he had the irrational fear that Ivan would try to kill him right then and get rid of the opposition which Ivan always conveniently seemed to forget included Toris himself).

Berwald stood up, placing his (freaking huge) hands on the table and leaning on it to emphasize his (also not wimpy) biceps. His glasses glinted, but Feliks could still see wide, blank blue eyes.

Nobody got on Berwald's bad side.

"Ivan," he said in his normal gruff tones. He always sounded like his jaw was permanently clenched shut. "'S there a probl'm? 'Cause m'wife doesn't want there to b'a problem, 'nd I'm more'n willin' to fix't for him."

Feliks could have kissed him. Although since his... er, wife (seriously, what was up with that?), might have had a problem with that, Feliks settled for thanking the higher powers for Tino and his... er, husband. Also Feliks was not gay. Probably.

Tino sighed. "I told you not to call me that."

Ivan slunk back to his lab table, and Berwald sat down again. Feliks glared at Ludwig for a full minute before Ludwig's eyes widened with understanding, and he switched places with Toris so that Toris wouldn't be next to Ivan anymore.

Feliks sat down, feeling that everything was finally okay. Toris was next to him now, and Ludwig could take care of himself. Toris should have just assumed that in the first place, but no, he had to be the martyr.

And that was when Feliks noticed that their solution had turned a vivid pink.

"Feliciano!"

"I thought it was a pretty color," said Feliciano, oblivious. "Is that not supposed to happen?"

Feliks was going to cry.

"It's okay," said Toris, picking up on Feliks's despair while studiously doing calculations alongside Ludwig, despite the fact that one of them could have just copied off the other- no, this way left less room for error, and Toris was a total nerd like that. "Just add more solution- but keep track of how much you add, okay? Then add it all together and it'll be the same as if you started off with that much."

Feliks nodded, and measured out ten more millileters of whatever it was. The mixture turned clear again, and they resumed adding the stuff in, or rather, Feliks resumed watching the amount in the burette and Feliciano resumed watching the mixture.

"It's really light pink," said Feliciano, and Feliks twisted the lever on the end of the burette so that phenolwhatever stopped dripping through.

"Okay." He squinted at the number. "That's like, 25 millileters. Feliciano! Write it down, dude."

Toris glanced over at their work, his eyebrows pressed together, wrinkling his forehead. He pushed a strand of dark, shiny hair out of his face, and Feliks watched him consider the data Feliks and Feliciano had gathered for a minute before realizing how totally gay it must have looked. Although really. It wouldn't have been out of place in this room, what with Arthur and Alfred throwing heated insults at each other and Tino and Berwald's marriage (huh?) and Ivan's advances towards Toris, not to mention the fact that Feliciano was practically sitting on Ludwig's lap.

Seriously, this school could not be an accurate sample of the human race, because otherwise, it would have died out a _long _time ago.

"Feliks, are you going to need help with your calculations?"

He nodded, grateful. Toris showed him the formula and where to put all the numbers they had collected, and then checked his math for him.

"You are a serious pushover," Feliks told him, shoving the paper in Feliciano's direction so he could copy it. "I think it's like, a disease with you. Like you can't help it, or something."

"I'll take that as a thank you," said Toris, smiling awkwardly and blushing a little bit. "You're very welcome. But you hardly need to thank me. It's in return for sticking up for me."

Since the write-ups were due tomorrow, they just headed back to their backpacks, putting off writing out the conclusion because the bell was going to ring soon, which it did, just as Toris zipped up his backpack and Feliks found a place to shove the paper. Toris waited while Feliks pulled on his backpack, and they headed out the door.

"You don't need to like, pay me back, y'know," said Feliks. "Is that seriously why we're friends? 'Cause we do stuff for each other and then we have to pay each other back?"

Toris blinked at him, and paused for a moment before speaking. "No- we're friends because we _want _to do stuff for each other and then we _want _to pay each other back."

"Oh," said Feliks, and it was a satisfying answer. "That makes sense."

Toris nodded and smiled. "So we're even, right?"

Feliks nodded. "If you aren't ahead of me. I mean, it was Berwald who convinced Ivan to back off. Not me. And it was my fault you were at that table anyway- I would've picked one away from the psycho, except we weren't lab partners... Which was my fault too! Geez. I totally owe you one. Or two. Or five bajillion."

"Well," said Toris slowly, and Feliks knew he was totally scrambling for a way to even it out. "I was the one who got caught, wasn't I? And I didn't stick up for myself, so..." He shrugged. "And you did your own calculations, anyway, I just told you where to put the numbers and you got the answers all on your own. I say we're even," he finished stubbornly. "And that's it."

"If you say so," he agreed. "Geez, I love your friendship-karma calculations."

Toris shrugged at him, smiling in that really... well, _cute _way that made Feliks sometimes think he might be gay after all, but he didn't really get too long to think about it because they had to split up where Toris would turn left to go to math and Feliks's next class was history, in the opposite direction.

* * *

AN:

I think Lithuania the character in APH is pretty much the most adorable thing ever. This is also _totally not_ bias from when I took a personality test and got his character. Nope, no way.

This is also totally not connected to my terrible inability to keep my lab equipment in one piece during my chem classes. Or my ability to do everything exactly wrong, including titrate HCl.

Also, I actually love Ivan. He was my favorite from the very beginning (Along with England, and America, and Sweden...). It's just, y'know, he's kind of... odd. And cruel. And crazy.

Yeah, the title's dumb.


End file.
